Jokes Thread

[grumpy_1944]

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

 

[Twodogs]

A woman wants her husband to pay out $10,000 for a breast enlargement which he refuses to do and suggest that she just rub some toilet paper between them for a while.
"How the hell will that make my tits any bigger?" she asked, to which he replied
"Well it worked on your arse didn't it?"

 

[grumpy_1944]

News Release - Detroit

The next new car for women has been introduced, with Renault and Ford joining forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'CLIO' and the Ford 'TAURUS', they have designed the 'CLITAURUS'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on...even if someone tells him where it is, and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

New models are initially fun to own, but very expensive to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially have curb appeal (low price), but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

This vehicle is not expected to reach collector status. So it is best to just lease one, and replace it each year.

Warning:
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt. Police suspect












wait for it












a cereal killer.

 

[Twodogs]

Why are camels called ships of the desert ?? Because they are full of Arab Seman.

Hear about the oyster that went to the disco and pulled a muscle??

My parents asked me what did I want for my birthday, to which I replied "That I want a watch" so they stood me at the end of the bed and let me.

My mate is a kiwi and I asked him to count up in his head all of the roots he had had in his life and he fell a sleep.

A bloke was going down on a hooker and she heard him say "gee you've got a big vagina, gee you've got a big vagina, gee you've got a big vagina"
"Why did you say that three times?" she asked
"I didn't" he said

 

[Twodogs]

Three blokes at a bar, a French man, an Italian and an Australian.
The French man says proudly
"After I make love to Fifi she floats one inch above the bed".

"That's a nothing!!" claims the Italian all puffed up "After I make love to Sophia she floats one foot above the bed"

Then the Australian looks over at the French man and Italian and says,
"Shit fellas but I don't wanna seem like I am braggin or nuthin but after I've rooted me ol Shagsie and wipe me dick on the curtain she hits the fuckin roof.

 

[nbsdave]

2 guys are out hunting and one has to have a bowel movement.
He squats down to start and a rattlesnake bites him on his willie.
He yells to his friend and says "run to the park ranger station and find out what to do"
The friend finds the ranger and explains his friend was bit by a rattlesnake-
the ranger says "make a small x cut on each fang mark and suck out the venom"
The guy goes back to his snake bitten friend, the friend says "what did the ranger say?"
The guy told him "he says your gonna die!"

 

[Twodogs]

My mate had two black eyes the other day and I asked him what happened?
"Well the other day in church" he said "We were kneeling down praying and then we got up to sing and I noticed the lady in front of me had all of her dressed wedged up in the crack of her arse so I thought chivalry is not dead and I lent over and pulled it out for her and smack!!, she turned around and punched me in the eye!!!
"Bloody hell" I said in shock but then I had to ask "Well how did you get the other black eye then??"
To which he replied "Well hey I could see she was pretty upset with what I had done to her dress so I tried pushing it all back up again"



A bloke came running up to his mate all flustered and red and said "Shit am I embarrassed.....I just went to buy our tickets and the shiela in the booth has great tits that I just couldn't stop starring at the whole time I was waiting in line and when it finally came my turn instead of asking for two tickets I accidentally asked for two tits!!"

"Nothing to worry about" replied his mate having a bit a chuckle " That is what they call a Freudian word slip, shit it happened to me just this morning while I was sitting with the missus having breakfast and what I meant to say was, can you pass the sugar please my dear, but what I accidentally said was you fucked my life you fat ugly miserable bitch"

 

[Twodogs]

A fat woman goes into the doctors to find out how to loose weight and the doctor explains to her for the next four weeks he wants her to eat by not putting the food in her mouth but by sticking it up her arse and then to come back and see him.

Four weeks past and the women does as the doctor said, eating everything by sticking it up her arse. Then after four weeks of eating everything by sticking it up her arse she walks into the doctor's surgery swaying her hips side to side, side to side, side to side, side to side, side to side and looking absolutely stunning with the most gorgeous figure the doctor had seen for a long time. He mentions to her that she is looking really good but has to ask why the swaying of the hips as she walks to which she replies "Oh that's nothing I'm just chewing gum"


My missus did ask me how to loose weight and I suggested that she should jog 10 klm's every day "Will this work?" she asked "I don't know" I replied "But I do know that at the end of the week you will be 70klm's away"

A couple for the kids (Doesn't have to mean the young ones)
Why are steaks in space better tasting? .........because they are meatier (Meteor)
What is a three legged donkey called?.... A wonkey
What is yellow and smells like bananas?......Monkey Vomit

A blind mans dog pisses all over his leg and he leans down and gives it a treat
"Why did you give your dog a treat after it pissed all over your leg?" asked a passer by
"So I know which end to boot" replied the blind man

Two guys want to go for a drink but between them they haven't got enough for two drinks so after a while one comes up with an idea and shoots off to the butchers next door. He returns with a pork sausage that pisses his mate off some what because it has cost them the sum of what they had. Relax, his mate says and just follow my lead to which he goes into the pub and orders a beer for him and his mate and then tells him to quickly drink it. When the bar tender ask for the money the guy quickly pokes the pork sausage out of the fly of his trousers and tells his mate to put his mouth over it which the mate did. Totally disgusted at what he is seeing and not knowing that it is only a pork sausage the bar tender screams at the two dirty poofters to get out of his pub. The mate is totally wrapped in the idea and they go to next pub and the next pub and the next pub and the next pub continuing to do the same thing with the pork sausage until after about twenty, thirty or so pubs the mate says that he is sooooo so pissed that he cannot remember how many pubs they had been to that night to which his mate replies that he is soooooo sooo so pissed that he cannot remember which pub it was that he lost the pork sausage.

 

[Twodogs]

Here is little bit of Aussie Bush Etiquette to all of youse who aint famila with the ol farm cockies from down under

In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

What's piss funny is me Defacto sister in law and her defacto did #5 of the "In General" List. Had there eye on the washer an dryer..he he some people, they just aint as effluent as others.

AAAHHHH Australia ya got to love it and if you don't then leave:australia:

 

[Twodogs]

ANZAC Day today so I thought I'd continue to give Australia a bash and two thumbs up to all the diggers "Lest we forget'


YOU KNOW YOU’RE AUSTRALIAN IF:
* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
* You’re liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans “rooting” for something.
* You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.
* You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘Australia’ is optional.
* You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.’
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You’ve also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Beetroot with your Hamburger… Of course.
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’ And “Living next door to Alice”.
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, While ’scuse me’ is always polite.
* You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’.
* You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.
* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.
* You know that there is a universal place called “woop woop” located in the middle of nowhere…no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
* You have, at some time in your life, slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You’ve only ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet – to mean good. And then you place ‘bloody’ in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
* You say ‘no worries’ quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You understand what no wucking furries means.
* You’ve drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond’s chesty. In several different colours.
* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like “Straya” and that’s ok.

 

[Twodogs]

Why do ballerinas wear leotards?
So when they do the splits they won't stick to the floor.

Here's a good one
















Oh sorry it was a visual joke you had to be here to see it.. I had my hands with my index fingers touching my thumbs like they were two rings and I was tapping them together just like a magician would do with two solid rings and......... oh it just isn't working I can't explain it, you have to be here.
Magicians think they are good pulling a rabbit out of their hat, Well I can pull a hair (hare) out of my arse

 

[jays06scrambler]

The Harley

One rainy day a horse was trotting down a path when he became stuck in the mud,

He called for help after desperately trying to unstick himself'

A chicken heard his cries and came to him,"please get help ," the horse cried," I don't want to die here stuck in the mud" the chicken reasured the horse," I will run to the farm and get the farmer he will get you out."

The chicken ran to the farm,but the farmer wasn't there,running into the barn in desperation he spotted the farmers New Harley Davidson with the key in it,climbing aboard the chicken fired up the bike,grabbed a rope, and rode back to the horse.

"Quick", said the chicken throwing the rope to the horse,"take this rope,and I will pull you out!" The horse took the rope,the chicken gunned the powerful bike spinning the wheel which finally gained traction and pulled the horse out with ease.



"Thank you," the horse told the chicken," I owe you one." The chicken took the farmers harley back and the horse went on his way.

Some weeks later another rain storm and the chicken walking down the same path became stuck in the mud,as he was sinking he cried out for help! The horse who had been keeping tabs on the chicken heard the cries and ran to where the chicken was."I need you help," the chicken told him,"quick run to the farm and grab the farmers harley to pull me out!"


The horse stradled the mud hole directly over the chicken," Grab my penis and I will yank you out." The chicken did as the horse said and was picked up out of the mud hole.



Moral of the story...When your hung like a horse,you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks!

 

[motomaniac]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So true!

 

[tonupboy]

joki




sorry, you are member of this gang never more

 

[tonupboy]

retro



eeyy giovanni, 2 miles straight ahead - dothe ton

 

[Twodogs]

A couple of tourist are walking the streets of Mexico when one of them wanting to know what the time was asked an old guy sitting on the side walk with a donkey. The old guy responded by cupping the balls of his donkey in his right hand and lifting them up slightly and saying "Ahh Senior de time is half past twelve". Not believing the old man to be correct the tourist proceeded to ask somebody else further down the street the same question only to receive the exact same answer. Amazed by this the tourist thought about putting the old guy to a test and went back an hour later to ask him the same question to which he responded again by cupping the balls of his donkey in his right hand and lifting them up slightly and saying "Ahh Senior de time is half past one". This time the tourist had a watch and was again amazed to find that the old man was spot on. "How is he doing it?" they asked each other "How is estimating the time of day purely by just lifting the donkey's balls in his right hand?" This has to be fluke they agreed so they planned to put the old man to a test again and approached the old man one hour and fifteen minutes later and again asked the old man what the time was. The old man once again cupped the balls of his donkey in his right hand and lifted them slightly and said "Ahh Senior de time is quarter to three". That is amazing thought the tourists and could not hold their curiosity any longer and asked the old man "how does he manage to estimate the time of day by lifting the balls of his donkey slightly in his right hand?" To which the old man replied "Ahh senior when I lift the donkey's balls slightly with my right hand I can see the town clock between his legs"


I was on a building site and this one tradesman kept calling the young lacky "Donkey" "HEY Donkey...get me a hammer" "HEY Donkey.....get me a screw driver" "HEY Donkey.....get me some nails" this went on all day long until I couldn't handle it any more so I grabbed the young kid a side and said "Hey why does he keep calling you donkey??
To which the boy just shrugged and said "He or he or he always calls me that"

 

[Flaco]

Did you hear about the horny Amish girl?

She had two men a night...

 

[Twodogs]

what goes clip clop clip clop bang...clip clop clip clop bang?
An Amish drive by.

 

[loxpump]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"... The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

[cynr1023]

Lox;
wow...just, wow.