Jokes Thread

Skyblue

Scooter
A ten-year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up behind him and asks,

"Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says,

"Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back.

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "OK kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily,

"Look Dad, YOU bought the feckin Harley, so you ride it!"
 

Bottle_Fed

Two Stroke
Indian Mating Season

Indian Mating Season

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo ! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, h e was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'





With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

(Get ready, this will kill ya),





NAKED HILLBILLY R UN OVER BY TRAIN
 

MattRat

TT Racer
What's the difference between a porsche and a porcupine?


The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine

(Sweat beat me to my original joke, needed something...)
 
A gentleman was standing behind a young woman at a grocery store check out stand. He was observing her as she removed her groceries from the basket and putting them on the counter. Finally, he tapped her on the shoulder and said "You must be single." She said, "Why yes I am as a matter of fact." "How could you tell?" "Was it because of my groceries?" He said "No, it's because you're ugly."
 

Stoogsy

Scooter
How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a
beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: USA, Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc..

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...

I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's
swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it , Arsehole?'

........and, they lived happily ever after.
 

MattRat

TT Racer
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'
 

314lot

Scooter
Thank goodness (aka search) I found the joke thread.
I love 'em - just can't tell 'em.
Can this be stickied?
 

Bottle_Fed

Two Stroke
Interesting Human Body Facts

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .. . .they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.



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Still looking at your thumb, aren't you ?
 

Skyblue

Scooter
A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband,

"I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man."

The husband thinks for a second and says,

"Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But can I ask who the guy was?"

She fidgets for a minute, then says,

"Tiger Woods."

Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,

"Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking. I can see why you wanted to sleep with him."

So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and asks,

"What are you doing?"

He tells her, "I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want anything?"

"Tiger wouldn't have done," she says.

"Oh really? What would Tiger have done," he asks.

"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time."

So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks,

"What are you doing?"

"Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry," he replies.

"Tiger wouldn't have done that," she again tells him.

"Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?"

"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time," she says.

So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time. After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.

"Calling room service again?" she asks.
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"No! I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what the par is for this damn hole!!"
 
lol...apparently you are still looking at your thumbs. :D

I'm sure if someone gets offended they will let you know. Just don't be a cry baby and take it personal ;)

Greg
ok fair enough...


How do you make a 12 year old girl cry twice?































wipe the blood off on her teady bear.
 
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