Jokes Thread

[koifarm]

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

 

[grumpy_1944]

If Motorcycles Were Like Computers

1. For no reason whatsoever your bike would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they put new trail markings up, you would have to buy a new bike.

3. Occasionally your bike would die on an uphill for no reason, and you would accept this, restart and ride on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your bike to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a bike that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to ride, but it would only run on five percent of the trails/roads.

6. On street bikes, only one person at a time could use the bike, unless you bought "Bike95" or "BikeNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

7. The bike would say "Are you sure?" before applying the brakes.:bug:

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your bike would refuse to run until you simultaneously grabbed the plug wire, held the rear valve stem, and used the kick starter.

9. Yamaha would require all buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Topographical maps (now a Yamaha subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the bike's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Yamaha would become the target of investigation by the Justice Dept.

10. Every time Yamaha would introduce a new model, buyers would have to learn to ride all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old bike.

11. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

12. On street bikes, the speedometer and tachometer would be replaced by an icon that comes on when the bike is running.

 

[Twodogs]

An Indian Chiefs younger son came up and asked the Chief
"Father how did big brother get his name?"
The Chief replied " Well son on day your big brother was born I walk out of teepee and first thing I see is soaring eagle"
"Ahhh" replied the chief's son "So that is how big brother got his name, soaring eagle"
The Chiefs son paused for a while and then asked the Chief
"Father how did big sister get her name?"
The Chief replied "Well son on day your sister was born I walk out of teepee and the first thing I see is running stream"
"Ahhh" replied the chief's son "So that is how big sister got her name, running stream"
To which the Chief then replied
"Why you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

 

[Demar]

There was only one Buddy Hackett!!!!!!!!


http://redux.com/stream/item/1126763/BABY-ELEPHANT-TRUNK-PENIS-BY-BUDDY-HACKETT

 

[mike1962]

scotsman

Subject: Are Scotsmen tight?
The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the Glasgow's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

And then the lawyer said, "So Jimmy, if I don't give any cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

 

[mike1962]

the maid

The maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

 

[mike1962]

school reunion

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in
a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing an Alannah Hill outfit. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in Sass & Bide. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving Lauriston and graduating from Melbourne Uni Arts, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has two beautiful daughters. Timothy is a partner at Mallesons. They live in a large house in Toorak, where Charlotte and Emma, their daughters also have their tennis lessons. They have a holiday house in Portsea and regularly ski in Canada.
Clare relates she graduated from Monash Medicine and became a orthapaedic surgeon. Her husband, Edward, is a high profile Macquarie investment banker. They live in a Brighton beachfront mansion and have a holiday flat in Little Cove, Noosa.
Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in the Byron Bay hinterland and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his cock.
Half way down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out her husband is actually a bank teller at Commonwealth Bank. They live in a small house in Mitcham and have a caravan for their holidays at Tootgarook.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Edward are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Rosanna and take holiday camping trips to Torquay.
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[mike1962]

scout camp

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance..

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

 

[mike1962]

tie

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert
when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the
east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has
all the ice cold water you need.

Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[grumpy_1944]

Santa

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"


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[grumpy_1944]

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"


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[grumpy_1944]

Hillbillies

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"


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[grumpy_1944]

frog

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"


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[grumpy_1944]

Deadly period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."


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[motomaniac]

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[grumpy_1944]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"


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[grumpy_1944]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'


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[grumpy_1944]

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"


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[grumpy_1944]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow seamen."


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[grumpy_1944]

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...


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