Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Skyblue
- Start date
britman
Scooter
Yellow Balls
An older gentlemen pays a visit to the Doctor after losing his Wife after many years of matrimony. "Doc, Martha has been gone now for over six months and here lately I have noticed my genitals have turned yellow." After an examination the young Doctor inquired about any changes in the old fellows lifestyle since the loss of partner of so many years. "Doc, he replies, since she has gone the only thing I do is sit on the couch, eat Cheetos, an watch the porn channel'. Case closed............
An older gentlemen pays a visit to the Doctor after losing his Wife after many years of matrimony. "Doc, Martha has been gone now for over six months and here lately I have noticed my genitals have turned yellow." After an examination the young Doctor inquired about any changes in the old fellows lifestyle since the loss of partner of so many years. "Doc, he replies, since she has gone the only thing I do is sit on the couch, eat Cheetos, an watch the porn channel'. Case closed............
Flaco
750cc
New neighbors...
I helped two lesbian's unload their U-Haul moving in next door to me…
They asked if they could pay me…
I replied "I don't want any money."
The next day, a knock at the door, and low and behold they bought me a new Rolex watch!
I said "Thank you! However I think you misunderstood me. I said I wanna watch!"
:lick:
I helped two lesbian's unload their U-Haul moving in next door to me…
They asked if they could pay me…
I replied "I don't want any money."
The next day, a knock at the door, and low and behold they bought me a new Rolex watch!
I said "Thank you! However I think you misunderstood me. I said I wanna watch!"
:lick:
loxpump
Rocker
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good
for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens
the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay
on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't
hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared
experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed
this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown,
at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries
a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity
just can't be taught.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good
for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens
the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay
on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't
hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared
experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed
this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown,
at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries
a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity
just can't be taught.
Kiwi
Two Stroke
A real woman really is man’s best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires. She makes him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible. ... No ... Wait ... I’m thinking of beer, it’s beer that does that! Sorry!
Roger
Street Tracker
Wow! Cheetos as sack makeup. I will never look at a bag of cheetos the same way ever again.
dr_cerebro
Two Stroke
A man is working late at night, alone in his office, when he suddenly heard a voice clearly says:
MY SON, LISTEN TO MY VOICE. OBEY MY WILL.
The man hesitates for a moment, if he actually hear a voice speaking to him, or if it was only a figment of his imagination. Decides to go home, thinking that fatigue made him imagine things. When he gets home, have dinner with his wife, then they go to bed and get to read a book before bed, when suddenly hears the voice again:
MY SON, LISTEN TO MY VOICE. OBEY MY WILL.
The man is nervous to hear this voice again, this time with clarity, a deep voice, strong, and a sound like thunder. He asks his wife - you hear that love?, And wife asks - hear what?, The man answered, he heard a male voice, very strong, and the wife says: - must be the TV of the neighbors, you know they listen to it very loud. The man decides to sleep, but can not, he is very tense about the voice he has been listening. The next day, while taking a shower, once again heard the voice:
MY SON, LISTEN TO MY VOICE. OBEY MY WILL.
The man asks timidly: - What do you want from me? And the voice answered:
OBEY MY WILL. SELL ALL YOUR POSSESIONS. AND LEAVE YOUR WIFE.
The man goes to work, thinking about what had just happened, and heard the voice again, with much emphasis:
OBEY MY WILL. SELL ALL YOUR POSSESIONS. AND LEAVE YOUR WIFE.
Finally relents and sell their properties, cars, everything. They give you a check for a million dollars. It sits on a park bench thinking about what he had done, thinking he had gone mad, thinking about how he would explain to his wife what was going on, when he hears the voice again:
MY SON, YOU DID WELL. NOW HEAR WHAT I'LL SAY, YOU SHOULD NOT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS. GO TO THE AIRPORT AND TAKE THE FIRST PLANE TO GO TO LAS VEGAS.
The man obeys. He did not know what was real, and what not, but can not ignore what is happening, he can not ignore what the voice prompts. He goes to the airport and take a flight to Las Vegas. When it reaches its destination once again heard the voice:
GO TO CAESAR'S PALACE HOTEL
He goes to the hotel, and when it hears the voice again:
ROOM 721
He goes to the reception and asks the manager: - Excuse me miss, the room 721 ...? The receptionist replied: Are you Mr. Smith? We were waiting for you, here's your key, an employee to accompany you to your room, enjoy your stay and thank you for choosing the Caesar's Palace. The man, surprised, he realizes that the voice he hears is not his imagination, there is a higher being who has been communicating with him, he is now convinced. Go up to his room and wait, several hours later, he falls asleep when suddenly hears the voice again:
WAKE UP, IT IS TIME
The man asks, what should I do? The voice answers:
NO TIME TO LOOSE. GO TO THE ROULETTE, RUN !
Man runs out of the room and runs to the casino,he heards the voice again:
BET ALL TO 7TH BLACK
The man places his check for a million dollars on black 7, and start spinning the wheel until it stops, the croupier announces:
13 Black!
And he listens to the voice that says:
CRAP !
MY SON, LISTEN TO MY VOICE. OBEY MY WILL.
The man hesitates for a moment, if he actually hear a voice speaking to him, or if it was only a figment of his imagination. Decides to go home, thinking that fatigue made him imagine things. When he gets home, have dinner with his wife, then they go to bed and get to read a book before bed, when suddenly hears the voice again:
MY SON, LISTEN TO MY VOICE. OBEY MY WILL.
The man is nervous to hear this voice again, this time with clarity, a deep voice, strong, and a sound like thunder. He asks his wife - you hear that love?, And wife asks - hear what?, The man answered, he heard a male voice, very strong, and the wife says: - must be the TV of the neighbors, you know they listen to it very loud. The man decides to sleep, but can not, he is very tense about the voice he has been listening. The next day, while taking a shower, once again heard the voice:
MY SON, LISTEN TO MY VOICE. OBEY MY WILL.
The man asks timidly: - What do you want from me? And the voice answered:
OBEY MY WILL. SELL ALL YOUR POSSESIONS. AND LEAVE YOUR WIFE.
The man goes to work, thinking about what had just happened, and heard the voice again, with much emphasis:
OBEY MY WILL. SELL ALL YOUR POSSESIONS. AND LEAVE YOUR WIFE.
Finally relents and sell their properties, cars, everything. They give you a check for a million dollars. It sits on a park bench thinking about what he had done, thinking he had gone mad, thinking about how he would explain to his wife what was going on, when he hears the voice again:
MY SON, YOU DID WELL. NOW HEAR WHAT I'LL SAY, YOU SHOULD NOT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS. GO TO THE AIRPORT AND TAKE THE FIRST PLANE TO GO TO LAS VEGAS.
The man obeys. He did not know what was real, and what not, but can not ignore what is happening, he can not ignore what the voice prompts. He goes to the airport and take a flight to Las Vegas. When it reaches its destination once again heard the voice:
GO TO CAESAR'S PALACE HOTEL
He goes to the hotel, and when it hears the voice again:
ROOM 721
He goes to the reception and asks the manager: - Excuse me miss, the room 721 ...? The receptionist replied: Are you Mr. Smith? We were waiting for you, here's your key, an employee to accompany you to your room, enjoy your stay and thank you for choosing the Caesar's Palace. The man, surprised, he realizes that the voice he hears is not his imagination, there is a higher being who has been communicating with him, he is now convinced. Go up to his room and wait, several hours later, he falls asleep when suddenly hears the voice again:
WAKE UP, IT IS TIME
The man asks, what should I do? The voice answers:
NO TIME TO LOOSE. GO TO THE ROULETTE, RUN !
Man runs out of the room and runs to the casino,he heards the voice again:
BET ALL TO 7TH BLACK
The man places his check for a million dollars on black 7, and start spinning the wheel until it stops, the croupier announces:
13 Black!
And he listens to the voice that says:
CRAP !
loxpump
Rocker
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Demar
Two Stroke
Sex and Golf
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies. �
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies. �
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
dr_cerebro
Two Stroke
loxpump
Rocker
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and
rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad,
I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and
rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad,
I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '
loxpump
Rocker
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
loxpump
Rocker
A Taliban Commander is force marching his fighters down a desert road,
next to a huge earth berm, when the voice of an Infidel yells, "One Marine
is better than ten Taliban!" Unimpressed, he orders ten men to go over the top and "keel heem."
Ten go over, disappear from sight, a very short gun battle erupted and then there was silence.
Again, the Infidel yelled, "One Marine can kick 100 Taliban asses!"
This time, enraged, the Commander sends 100 fighters with orders to
"Bring me his head!"
A longer battle takes place, then silence.
The Infidel persisted... "One Marine can fuck 72 virgins in one night!"
"GET HEEM!" A larger force went over the top and a massive firefight went
on. Then silence.
One Taliban fighter... Shot up and bleeding badly, crested the top, rolled
down to his Commander's feet and begged. . "Don't send any more men.
It's a trap. There's TWO of them "
next to a huge earth berm, when the voice of an Infidel yells, "One Marine
is better than ten Taliban!" Unimpressed, he orders ten men to go over the top and "keel heem."
Ten go over, disappear from sight, a very short gun battle erupted and then there was silence.
Again, the Infidel yelled, "One Marine can kick 100 Taliban asses!"
This time, enraged, the Commander sends 100 fighters with orders to
"Bring me his head!"
A longer battle takes place, then silence.
The Infidel persisted... "One Marine can fuck 72 virgins in one night!"
"GET HEEM!" A larger force went over the top and a massive firefight went
on. Then silence.
One Taliban fighter... Shot up and bleeding badly, crested the top, rolled
down to his Commander's feet and begged. . "Don't send any more men.
It's a trap. There's TWO of them "
Demar
Two Stroke
Outsmart a woman......Are you kidding.....
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend.
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife she does exactly what
her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my
new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend.
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife she does exactly what
her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my
new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend.
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife she does exactly what
her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my
new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
A man calls home to his wife and says,
“Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend.
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife she does exactly what
her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my
new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
dr_cerebro
Two Stroke
loxpump
Rocker
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day
a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day
a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Flaco
750cc
True story!
Riding w/ two guys on HD's I sped up and split off on my Bonnie...
They reported me as a missing person...
The desk sergeant asked the two "What's his name?"
"Flaco"
"No, his real name!"
"Don't know."
"What's he look like?"
"A bad ass biker!"
"Where does he live?"
"On the road."
"Can you please tell me something specific about him so we can locate him?"
"He has two assholes."
"How do you know he has two assholes?"
"Every time we walk into the pub the waitress says to the bartender...
|
|
|
"Here comes Flaco with the two assholes!"
Riding w/ two guys on HD's I sped up and split off on my Bonnie...
They reported me as a missing person...
The desk sergeant asked the two "What's his name?"
"Flaco"
"No, his real name!"
"Don't know."
"What's he look like?"
"A bad ass biker!"
"Where does he live?"
"On the road."
"Can you please tell me something specific about him so we can locate him?"
"He has two assholes."
"How do you know he has two assholes?"
"Every time we walk into the pub the waitress says to the bartender...
|
|
|
"Here comes Flaco with the two assholes!"