Jokes Thread

Twodogs

Street Tracker
A local guy is walking along the beach very early one morning and notices an unfamiliar face up ahead fishing. When he was close enough he greeted the stranger and asked was he here on holiday to which he guy replied that he was married yesterday and was here on his honey moon. The local replied in disbelief commenting to the stranger that he was here fishing on his honeymoon and asked him why he wasn't up making love to his new bride? "Can't" said the stranger "She has VD". "Hell" said the local "That is not good, but if that is the case could she not give you a head job?". "Can't" said the stranger "She has a real bad case of herpes". "What the??" said the local "That is really not good, but surely she could just wank you off?". "Can't" said the stranger "She has really bad arthritis in both hands". "You've got to be kidding me" said the local "You cannot fuck her, she cannot give you a head job or pull you off..Why in hell did you marry her for then??" "Because she has got worms and I like fishing" said the stranger.
 
A beautiful woman who loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a
handsome gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge
red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your
tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from
blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing
to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for Two weeks
she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

---------------------------------------------------

Two Aussies, Bruce and Mick set out to walk from Sydney to Perth (no mean feat, a couple of thousand miles) they steer clear of the beaten track and follow arroyos and railway lines etc. After a couple of weeks, they really start to get on each others ****, so Bruce says to Mick, "Blue, let`s split up for a while." They are camped on the edge of lake Eyre, so they decide to split up and hike around each side of the lake. Two days later they catch up on the far side of the lake and Bruce says "Hi Mick, how was your walk?" Mick replies "Bonzer Mate! I saw all sorts of new parrots and wildlife, the platypus were playing on the banks of the lake, it was real peaceful. How was your walk, mate?"
Bruce replies, "Gee whiz, mate, it was great! I decided to follow the railway line and after a couple of hours I came across a beautiful woman tied to the railway tracks, she was stark naked! I couldn`t believe my luck. Obviously something dastardly was afoot so I untied her and took her off into the bushes and spent all afternoon making love to her. Man we did EVERYTHING!
Mick is absolutley amazed and says "Everything? Wow, did she give you a bl*wjob?"

"No," says Bruce, "I couldn`t find her head."
-----------------------------------------

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I
had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we
have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the
wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since
you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something
to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation,

I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods,
stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest
of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How
could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years
you've been playing off the ladies tees!"
---------------------------------------

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...your pecker is always harder when you're away from home
------------------------------------------------

I would like to relate the story two riders, one on a Triumph and the other a HD, riding to the top of a mountain to visit the look out.

Just as they get half-way to their destination up the mountain, the HD rider starts to turn around.
The Triumph rider asks him why.
The HD rider says "The chili cheese burrito I ate earlier is kicking in, I gotta take a dump".
So they debate on whether or not to keep going or turn back as neither of them has any Toilet Paper in their gear.
Meanwhile the intestinal pressure of the HD rider is building up fast.
Finally the Triumph guy asks the HD guy "Do ya have a dollar?"
The HD guy says "Yes".
The Triumph guy says "With the cost of gas, it would be cheaper just to wipe your butt with a dollar, than to turn around and go back".
So the HD guy takes off into the woods to answer nature's call with the Triumph riders dollar idea.
The Triumph guy waits and hears a lot of rustling and cursing going on in the bushes.
The HD guy returns a few minutes later aggrivated as hell with his hands & arms covered in *****.

The Triumph rider, laughing, says "Geez dood, what the heck happened to ya? Didn't you wipe with a dollar?"

The HD guy replies "Do you have any idea how hard it is to wipe your a$$ with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel?!?"
----------------------------------------------------

Badda boom crash
 

Demar

Two Stroke
Anew phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.


Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


( x ) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass


(_^_) Up Yours


(_L_) LMAO


(_LF_) LMFAO
 
Waking this thread

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
 
A few more

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship,feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy bastards!
xxxxxx

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti
xxxxx

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
xxxxxxx
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

"Shit!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.
 

koifarm

Hooligan
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship,feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy bastards!
xxxxxx

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti
xxxxx

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
xxxxxxx
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

"Shit!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.
:lol:
 
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!


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badly needed

Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.
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Do you have a piece of gum?
 
condom/coffin comparo

Q: What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A: One you cum in, and one you go in, but you have to be stiff to get into either of them.
 
Microsoft's Latest Venture

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."
 
Corporate America

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
 
Counting Condoms

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
 
Chalkboard Culprit

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
 

koifarm

Hooligan
Buddha walks into a fast food place and asks the cook
" make me one with everything " and hands him a $10 bill.
Cook hands him a loaded hot dog and thanks him.
Buddha asks " where's my change ?"
Clerk replies..."Change comes from within !"
 

loxpump

Rocker

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
 
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