Jokes Thread

grumpy_1944

grumpy_1944

750cc
math formula 4 success

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.)
Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: :shh:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty , that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
 
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M

musicswapshoppe

Rocker
10 Downing Street

London SW1



Dear people of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown
 
whufcok

whufcok

Scooter
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.











Male readers:
Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story:

Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen ...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
 
whufcok

whufcok

Scooter
Wife naked in front of mirror: "I want bigger boobs - Pay for a boob job."
Husband: "Save money, just rub toilet paper between the ones you have."
Wife: "Why do you think that will make them bigger?"
Husband: "It seems to have done the trick with your arse. Must be worth a try!"
 
whufcok

whufcok

Scooter
23 people have been reported found stuck to the walls and ceiling of a train station in Dublin. Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first "No More Nails" bomb.


A 2 seater aircraft crashed into an Irish cemertry a couple of days ago....
So far they have recoverd 378 bodies...


A vicar books into the hotel room an says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled" she replies, "no its just regular porn you sick bastard"


The secret service are having a nightmare training the new president against terrorist attacks.Every time they shout"GET DOWN' the stupid fucker starts dancing
 
ricky

ricky

Street Tracker
A Stimulus Story

It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser.
The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his
debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her “services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism .
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
 
T

tattooedcouple

Guest
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
 
T

tattooedcouple

Guest
A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost

all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and

drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle

and told him to turn his head and cough- the usual method to check for a

hernia. "Hmmm..", mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the

testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem,"

said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip,

snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip,

snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was

afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his
pants

up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The
midget

was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and

discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget said, "That's

perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"


The Doctor
replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
 
ricky

ricky

Street Tracker
Letter from a satisfied customer

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my forties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the ass. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were inconclusive and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty bag people.
 
Carnation

Carnation

Street Tracker
Have you seen the new burger from McDonalds?

It's called the McJackson and contains 50 year old meat in between 12 year old buns.
 
Texas94fs

Texas94fs

Hooligan
The cause of Micheal Jackson's death has been determined. Food Poisoning.
They found 12 year old nuts in his mouth.
 
koifarm

koifarm

Hooligan
Word has it now, that he was doing multiple prescription drugs, Zanax, Oxycontin, Morphine and some tranks....cardiac doctor was right there with him having just given him an injection of Demerol, no doubt the doc cleaned up the mess before calling it in and probably gave cpr but when that failed called in the cleanup crew. It will all come out soon if I know the media when they get ahold of the coroners drug test.
 
whufcok

whufcok

Scooter
Michael Jackson asked not to be cremated he wants to be melted down and made into toys so kids can still play with him
 
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whufcok

whufcok

Scooter
Ignore that last one he will be cremated and his ashes put into sand pits
so he can still get in kids pants
 
KingBear

KingBear

Hooligan
He's been looking worse than dead for years years now. A couple hours with a mortician will make a great improvement.
 
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