Jokes Thread

[grumpy_1944]

A new disease to be aware of

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well..
'So, what's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'And what the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I just can't see my ass coming into work today.'

 

[grumpy_1944]

Depressed

I was depressed last night so I called "lifeline"
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and aske me "could I drive
a truck".

 

[KingBear]

Q How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.

 

[loxpump]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Kate and *Sarah.
·If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. *None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
·When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
·A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she *doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
·A man has six items in his bathroom: *toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a *towel .
·The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. *
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these *items.

ARGUMENTS
·A woman has the last word in *any argument.
·Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
·A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
·A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
·A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
·A woman marries=2 0a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
·A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
·A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a *book, and get the mail.
·A man will dress up for weddings and *funerals.

NATURAL
·Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
·Ah, children. *A woman knows all about her children. *
She knows about *dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
·A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

[loxpump]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, just pull the tooth, and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asks him, 'which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, Honey, and show him which one.'

 

[dave1068]

A french man, a brit and a polish man are stuck on a beach. The french man says I found a blanket and we can use it at night to keep us warm and protect us from insects, good the whole group agrees, the brit says I found a jug we can use to put water in and use it for drink and clean with, good the whole group agrees, the polish guys finds a car door and says, great, we can roll the window down when we get hot...

 

[mrt202]

Stuttering cat...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised
her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say
'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[Boofhead]

What does smoking cigarettes and pussy licking have in common

The flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt

 

[tattooedcouple]

Why is near beer like going down on your cousin?.....

Because.. sure it taste good...but it's just not right

 

[koifarm]

Why is intercourse in a canoe like a can of Bud Light?
Because it's fucking near water!!!!

 

[loxpump]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol
Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell
at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub
when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two,
or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes
to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[1759AG]

New Pharmacology

Pharmacology: all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called
Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

[ricky]

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms
folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If
you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the
young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the guy wearing the
shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse
in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up
the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 

[loxpump]

In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their
days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what
ultimately became of them.


The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot
himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
suicide.


However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of
the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Fuck work.
Play golf.

 

[grumpy_1944]

AHHHHHH-MEEEEENNNNNNN:cheers:

 

[ricky]

Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody think s its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a
dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wai t, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?

 

[mrt202]

Go figure...

It had been said that we'd elect a black president "when pigs fly".
Sure enough, after 100 days in office, swine flu!
:lol3:

 

[loxpump]

Derivative Markets:


Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . In order to increase sales,
she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are
unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the
drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word
gets around about Heidi's drink now pay later marketing strategy and as a
result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and soon she
has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi
gets no resistance when she substantially increases her prices for wine and
beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these
customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing
limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the
alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these
customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities
are then traded on security markets worldwide. Naive investors don't really
understand the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really
the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, their prices continuously
climb, and the securities become the top-selling items for some of the
nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the
bank (subsequently fired due to his negativity), decides that the time has
come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed, they
cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her
loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90 %. PUKEBOND performs better,
stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %. The decreased bond asset value
destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extensions
and having invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt
and losing over 80% on her bonds.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a
competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers.

The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following dramatic
round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties. The
funds required for this bailout are obtained by a tax levied on employed
middle-class non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand...

 

[ricky]

Pirate Cruise & Shoot ! !

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY ! !

The cost is a bit high, $999 per person double occupancy, but I didn't find that offensive. What was encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise encourages people to bring their 'high powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights.
All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.

* $999.00 US/person 4 days and nights double occupancy
* M-16 full auto rental $25.00/day. Ammo: 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing at $15.95
* Ak-47 rifle @ no charge. Ammo: 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball at $14.95
* Barretta M-107 50 cal sniper riffle rental $55.00/day. Ammo: 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at $9.95
* Crew members will double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
* RPG's are available at 75 bucks, and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7 PM - 6 AM."

Meals are not included but are priced reasonably. Most cruises offer a mini-bar

Plus, these gung-ho entrepreneurs offer......... Get this..... "MOUNTED MINIGUN @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY ! !

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates, or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does not occur, we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia . At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals with loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before May 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

If all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, here are a few Testimonials from satisfied customers.

"I got three confirmed kills on my first trip. I'll never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Bernhardt -- Munich, Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates, and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 - PASSENGERS 32! Well worth the price. Just make sure your spotter speaks English" -- Ned, Salt Lake City, Utah

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with the weapons they use, plus their shitty aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam" -- 'Chopper' Dan ----Toledo, OH.

"Like ducks in a barrel. The crew turned the ship around and we saw the pirates bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do.--- Zeke Minnahaw -- Booneville, Kentucky

Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem. These folks deserve a medal!

 

[loxpump]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “The good news is you’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will not only work as well as your old one did, but even more often, if you wish. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this.

“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in this. Making decisions together will help you through this tough time.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor leaves.*

The doctor comes back the next day.

"Well,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?”

“Yes, she has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.



The man replies, “We’re getting granite counter tops.”