Jokes Thread

[bikeypikey]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

 

[07black&red]

Why should you never buy your wife or girlfriend a watch?
Because there's a clock on the damn stove!

 

[koifarm]

Halloween Costume Dilemma !!



A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his

Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will

cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right

as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his

Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he

Receives another parcel and a note, which says:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your

Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his

Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the

Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:



Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your

Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple..

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

 

[buckie]

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon to get some face work done, he puts a knob on the back of her head that she can turn anytime she wants to tighten things up.

A few years later she goes back to the doctor, he asks how she likes the knob, she says "its great, but I have these bags under my eyes", the Doctor say's "those aren't bags, those are your breasts" she say's "well that explains the goatee!"

 

[Flaco]

Lesbians

Subject: Misunderstanding

Not long ago two cute lesbians moved in next door.
Seeing that they were unloading the truck alone I offered to help and we quickly became friends.
Every now and then I would help them out by watching their house when they were gone and mow their lawn while I was doing mine.
One day they came over and said they would like to show their appreciation for all of my help and said to name whatever I wanted for my birthday.
I was very surprised when they gave me an expensive Rolex watch.
It was very nice of them but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"

 

[grumpy_1944]

sexually exhausted

A college professor told his students that there would be no excuse for missing class tommorrow since the final exam was scheduled. When queried about possible excuses to miss the scheduled exam day, he did allow for the possibility of hospitalization or a death within the immediate family being an acceptable excuse.

A male student at the back of the classroom asked "what if I wake up tommorrow morning sexually exhausted, would I be excused?"

The prof replied, "you will come to class any way and take the exam -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
with your other hand."

 

[grumpy_1944]

Cowboy rules

Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas , Oklahoma, Colorado , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho, Nebraska and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

 

[bikeypikey]

The Suit

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er .... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope.

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Cheers,

Pikey.

 

[Geoh3]

Voted best Joke in Ireland 2008 Take it as the joke it is intended to be.


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

[KingBear]

PLEASE NO MORE POLITICAL E-MAIL!

I am sick and tired of terrorist this and Muslim that, Obama this and Obama that, Afghanistan and Iraq, and elected officials (Left & Right) serving their own interests

We need to get back to what e-mail was originally designed for…

 

[Speed3Chris]

You make a compelling case KB, posting four good reasons.

And for some topical humor. All of a sudden being Tiger Woods isn't all that:


Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a
hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a
ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below
par..

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide
between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a
tree

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is
his wife.

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever
had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

 

[grumpy_1944]

To follow up on tiger;

It seems that the world's best golfer isn't a tiger, he is realy a cheetah

 

[grumpy_1944]

Why medical cost are so high

Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor..



An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.



Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

 

[bikeypikey]

Jesus knows you're here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking
for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued..

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird..

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Cheers,

Pikey.

 

[yellowrubiu]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?..... Santa stops at 3 Ho's.

 

[RonL]

A priest is at the front desk, checking into his hotel room. He collects his room key and says to the clerk: "I trust the pornography in my room is disabled..."

The clerk replies: "No, it's regular porn, you sick f$cK!"

 

[07black&red]

Guess who just won the Heisman?



OBAMA!

 

[speedtrip]

Cuba just changed their national anthem to " row row row your boat "

 

[bikeypikey]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this damn hole."


Cheers,
Pikey.

 

[koifarm]

A wee Irish boy is crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."