Jokes Thread

[mrt202]

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of The station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was Barking, and I saw a little boy staring at me.
'Is that a Dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back Of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

 

[loxpump]

Can't help but love old people
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and
hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got
planned while we're in Tampa ?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take >>> > a
big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out
for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and
give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new
stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn
the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she
goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta
land the plane and take a shit first.'

 

[loxpump]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all
with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls
the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body is a 72
year old Frenchman.
He died of heart failure while with his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years
of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery
and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner,
"This is the most unusual one.
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning. "
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought she was having her picture taken."

 

[loxpump]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

 

[grumpy_1944]

flat tire

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstste. I eased my car over to the side of the road and stopped, carefully got out out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car, facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike, you wouldn't believe it. They were wearing trenchcoats, which they're holding open to expose their nude bodies, including their genitals to approaching drivers.

Cars started slowing down, looking at my lifelike men, and of course, traffic started backing up. Everyone was tooting their horns and waveing like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper d: pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper.

"What's going on here?!", he yelled, his face red.

"My car has a flat tire", I said calmly.

"Well what in hell are those cardboard men doing there" the trooper asked.

I couldn't believe he didn't know, soooo, I told him, "Helllooooo, these are my emergency flashers!"

I think I will be able to make bail soon.
:lol::lol3:

 

[grumpy_1944]

Aaadd

Now THIS explains my life PERFECTLY! (In case any of you wondered).


AAADD ---KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there ' s a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests :

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car
and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay
the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside
the house to my desk where I find the cup of cocoa
I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to
push the cocoa aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The cocoa is getting cold,
And I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold cocoa, A vase of
flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water..

I put the Cocoa on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for
all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first
I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, Fill a
container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be
looking for the remote, But I won't remember that
it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in
the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and
wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day :

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of cocoa sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is
coming!! :w :lol2:

 

[1759AG]

A tale of "Irish" coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor..


"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"That's not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't
even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor,
who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into
his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me, cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!"

"It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"


"Do you mean the sex your husband provided
wasn't good?" asked the doctor.

"Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"


Some may say the glass is half empty, some may say the glass is half full,
but the Irish will forever say "are you gonna drink that?"

 

[koifarm]

Irish joke.
This one is subtle but think about it for a second.

Three Irish men walked out of a bar!

 

[ricky]

Welcome to Hell

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!!

 

[ricky]

Sense of Freshness...

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

[mrt202]

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft.Myers Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

'Hello, sir, how are you today?

'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.

'I love the beach.. Do you come here often?' she asked.

'First time since my wife passed away two years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.

'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely.' she countered.

'Do you live around here?'

'Yes, I live over in Cape Coral,' he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
'Do you like pussy cats?'

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her,
tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and
asked the man,'How did you know that was what I wanted?'

The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'

 

[BobM]

Got this one from a friend.



We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
Sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle
charger
Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the betterthe
fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel
pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up
the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and
the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... But Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to
just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it
had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with
my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But
nooooo,it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a
big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where
the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
had
somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
Realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Bodily fluids when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might
first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new
after
that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.

 

[Ohio TT]

Now that's some funny stuff right there. :lol:

 

[koifarm]

Too funny! I had a couple of good belly laughs on that one.....good post!

 

[tattooedcouple]

Shortest Fairy Tale​

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry
me?' The girl said, "No" - And the guy lived happily
ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and hunting,
and played golf a lot, and drank beer and scotch, and left the
toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.


The End

 

[Texas94fs]

Holy Hookers

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door..'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs,
'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at
the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

[Texas94fs]

Chinese remedy

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel great.
I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

 

[tattooedcouple]

old biker

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:



CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $500.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she smiles and purrs, "I sure am."

The old biker replies, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

 

[mrt202]

Cops say the darndest things!

These are suppose to be actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven.'

5'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

4'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

3'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief is a personal friend of yours. So
you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here.

 

[Ohio TT]

Here's a true story. My buddy,a trucker, was pulled over for speeding in a small town. As the officer walked up to the truck he said "Son, I've been waiting for you all day." My buddy replied "Well, I got here as fast as I could!" The officer busted out laughing and then said "That's a good one but you're still getting the ticket." This same trucker was in Detroit at a large truck stop waitng to pick up a load when a "lady" of the evening jumped up on the step and asked him if he was looking for a date. He replied "No I'd rather have a fig." ZOOM. Went right over her head.