Jokes Thread

N

Nodster

Banned
Workmates earring...unusual!

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since the wife found it in my truck..."
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to
take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.* The firefighter looks a little closer and
notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
 
1759AG

1759AG

Scooter
Alcohol Warning!!

Alcohol Warning!!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
 
Tritech

Tritech

Scooter
After 47 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,
and then began down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand
across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast,
then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then
proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he
proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion
of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become
quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That
was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.
 
T

tattooedcouple

Guest
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were Faithful and loving wives,however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.



Incredibly
drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive >pair of panties
and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with
that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl
nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst..my wife came home with no panties!!'


That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine
came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you
 
T

tattooedcouple

Guest

IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed.

And just like that... her ears fell off.
 
sweatmachine

sweatmachine

moped
A man came home from work, busted through the door, ran to the couch and started yelling "Honey get me a beer quick! It's about to start! Quick, Honey, Beer!"

His wife looked at him funny but grabbed him the beer anyway.

He slammed the beer in 2 seconds flat and said "Honey, get me another beer, hurry honey, another beer quick! It's about to start!"

So she brought him another beer, which he slammed as quickly as the first.

While he was wiping the foam from his mouth his wife said "all you do is come home from work, plant your ass on the couch and drink beer, I'm sick of this shit!"

Then the husband said "Ahhh....it started..."
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write
it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
 
Ohio TT

Ohio TT

Two Stroke
No Hard Feelings

The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.
 
1759AG

1759AG

Scooter
His & Her Diary

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep, I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Triumph wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
 
thruxiegirl

thruxiegirl

TT Racer
This man goes into a bar and orders a drink. He notices a large jar full of money on the shelf next to a large bottle of Tequila. He makes conversation with the bartender. He mentions the jar of money and says 'you must make really good tips here'? The bartender says 'No' that is prize money. He asks for what? Bartender says for anyone that can complete three tasks I give. So the man wants to try and win the jar of money. The bartender tells him, 'Drink this entire bottle of tequilla and the worm'. Then pull the Pit Bulls swore tooth out. Go upstairs and have sex with the eighty year old virgin'. The man agrees and asks for the bottle of tequila. He drinks the entire bottle. He then stumbles outside behind the bar to the pissed off Pit Bull in pain. The man is screaming in pain, the dog is barking, growling and starts yelping. The man walks back inside the bar. His clothes ripped and bloody. Everyone in the bar is amazed the Guy is standing there. The man replies "where is that old lady that needs her tooth pulled"?
 
ricky

ricky

Street Tracker
Involuntary Muscular Contractions

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS​

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
 
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