Jokes Thread

[KingBear]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

[KingBear]

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will do it with anyone, a bitch will do it with anyone but you.

 

[loxpump]

An Inspirational Story

Recently I was asked to play in a golf charity tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...



Fuck - I could win this!

 

[geolpilot]

http://www.igc.be:80/igc/dearpenis.htm

 

[tattooedcouple]

`that ain't right`



A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour gently scratching his

balls...something she obviously loved doing.



Presently he turned to her and softly asked,

"Why do you love doing that so much?"



"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."

 

[MOSES]

Oh Snap ! HAHAHA

 

[simpson]

A little old lady decided to join her local RAT club

One day she goes up to their Clubhouse and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says, she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks;"Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed Bonnie Black in the driveway.

The biker then asked: "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your damned club under the table".

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies "Yep,smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a moment and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

-simpson

 

[1759AG]

Do You Know The Front From The Back

Here is the answer to a question that has plagued mankind ever since he had to pick an apple from a tree.

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE ??????

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB !!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE " SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRE SSED !!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD . HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY , HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD , AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, " AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE ?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, " SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE !!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE ?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE , HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE ?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, " CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

 

[ricky]

Golf, Cow and a Wife

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, Two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally
the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed One of
the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf Ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the Cow's'
butt.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this Looks
like yours!'
I don't remember much after that...."

 

[mrt202]

The tally is in...

Inauguration Statistics








2 million people attended the Inauguration of our new president.

Only 14 missed work !

 

[mrt202]

Beware!

I jacked this from another forum and modified it a bit to suit my locale.

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Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into WalMart for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are putting your stuff into the trunk. They both start cleaning your windshield, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially as this cold weather is making it very obvious they're not wearing anything underneath.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you arrive in the parking lot and stop, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

SCROLL DOWN




































I had my wallet stolen on January 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th. Could not find them on the 10th. Found them again on the 12th, 13th, 14th, twice on the 15th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. WalMart have wallets on sale for $2.99 each

 

[ricky]

Losing Your Wallet In Mexico

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold,
he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican
Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

"May I see your identification, por favor, señor?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,"
said the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a
picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of
Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."

"This I must see," replied the agent. With that, the American
dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have
a safe trip back to Chicago, Senor."

"Thanks!" he said. "But why do you think I'm from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!"

 

[mrt202]

fuckit

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=a06c123190&view=att&th=11f495949ca6a831&attid=0.1&disp=attd&zw
I hope i did this right...

 

[ozbonnie]

Service Fee

A West Aussie farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know
where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant." The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it
helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know what the fee is for Greg."

 

[ricky]

Service

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
State, City & County Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are as enlighten as I am.

 

[musicswapshoppe]

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months> later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Help requested please!

And the flip side...
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Flatulism 6.2 CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Regards, tech support

 

[koifarm]

With the economy being the way it is these days, my dog is concerned about it.
With Alpo going up to $2 a can he's quite worried since in dog money thats $24......

 

[shoobie]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

 

[mrt202]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The police woman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.

the driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and
handed it to the police woman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[ricky]

Have You Ever Wondered Why Men Lie?

Have You Ever Wondered Why Men Lie?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..