Jokes Thread

loxpump

Rocker
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body*hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed
even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
 

loxpump

Rocker
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
 
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Go Europe!!! Go Europe!!! :rock: :rocks: :rockon:
 

MattRat

TT Racer
(I didn't read the whole thread so sorry if this was already posted)

I was feeling depressed over the current state of the economy.
Really Depressed

I called the suicide hotline

I got a fucking call center in Pakistan!

I told them I was feeling suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck!
 

UraniumC

Banned
(I didn't read the whole thread so sorry if this was already posted)

I was feeling depressed over the current state of the economy.
Really Depressed

I called the suicide hotline

I got a fucking call center in Pakistan!

I told them I was feeling suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck!

...and?
 

ricky

Street Tracker
The Itch

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that
the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them,
but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought
about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and
Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure
this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would
work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which
he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a
laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills
 

Bonafide

NBR founder
Instructions For Properly Hugging A Baby:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR PROPERLY HUGGING A BABY:

1. First, uh, find a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques.

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

4. The 'paw slide' - Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' so as to achieve the best photo quality.
 

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loxpump

Rocker
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked
on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a
very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little
tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,
'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other
eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and
asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the
flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now
I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'
 

BlueJ

Blue Haired Freak
Bradley (not his real name) was riding his Scrambler down a country road late one afternoon when he felt that familiar put-put-gasp-cough and reached down between his knees and felt for the reserve petcock only to find... it was already on reserve. Coasting to a stop at 147.6 miles on the odo and cursing the memory of his boy Sweat and all those Lone Stars that made him forget he was outta gas, he parked the bike and started hiking. Over a rise, he saw a farmhouse in the distance. Spirits much improved, Bradley made decent time over the mile and a half to the house, walked up the lane, onto the porch, and rang the bell, just as darkness was falling.

A crusty old farmer answered the door.

"Excuse me, sir," said Bradley. "I was just enjoying a ride today and ran out of gas and was wondering if you might be willing to let me stay the night, even in the barn would be fine, and in the morning I'll walk back into town to get some gas."

"Well, sonny," says the farmer. "You are welcome to spend the night up here on the porch or in the barn, your choice, but there's a couple things I need to tell you first."

"OK...." Bradley replied.

The farmer took a deep breath and said "My wife passed a few years back, all my daughters are grown with kids of their own, we don't raise livestock of any kind anymore, and I've got the front and back doors hooked up with tripwires on shotguns, so don't go getting any bright ideas."

"Fuck," says Bradley. "I must be in the wrong joke!"
 
The gay guy

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.”

The gay guy said, “Okay.”

So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.

She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.

She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.

Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.” :lol3::lol2::lol:
 

Nodster

Banned
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from a motorcycle when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make 40 Grand a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks 200 Grand a year, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................ "Try doing it with the engine running."
 
Latex gloves

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
 
One more

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
 
Bonnified might appreciate this

The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!':lol3::lol2::lol:
 

ricky

Street Tracker
Roping a Deer

(Names have been removed to protect the Stupid!)

Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them I picked out... a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and
you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
 

loxpump

Rocker
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
 
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