Jokes Thread

[jhillier71]

A Happy Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "NO !!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big titted broads. He hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan. He never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony. He banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work. All his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End :spam2:

 

[grumpy_1944]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"
His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"
"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"
"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"

 

[grumpy_1944]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield!!!

 

[grumpy_1944]

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ..............
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

 

[grumpy_1944]

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
"No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?
Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks
...anyone can!"

 

[grumpy_1944]

When the white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were: -
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that
system!

 

[grumpy_1944]

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in
front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on
the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he
does as the doctor says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he
can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"

 

[koifarm]

So a giraffe walks into a bar and says.....



Wait for it...





"The highballs are on me !"

 

[Bonneville09er]

obama and nancy pelosi are in sinking boat. who is saved?



america

 

[Demar]

Why are a woman's butthole and vagina so close together?















So you can carry them like a six pack.

 

[grumpy_1944]

The wrestleing match

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It
is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he
has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does,
you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and
the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.
All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't
watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the
crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and
the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose,
so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!"

 

[grumpy_1944]

A lady walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."

 

[grumpy_1944]

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother
says,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son
has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he
returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college
students!"

 

[grumpy_1944]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a
small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humbleshop." So the
married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think
you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert
camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for
yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife,
finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't
seen in many years -- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him
on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE
WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

 

[grumpy_1944]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

 

[loxpump]

A blind man applies for a job at the local lumber yard as a lumber grader...when the manager in charge came to interview him he asked the man how he thought he'd be able to grade a piece of lumber if he couldn't see it. The man replied..my sense of smell is so sensitive I'll bet I could identify any piece of wood you place under my nose. With that the manager told his yard man to go get a piece of lumber, when he came back, he stuck it under the mans nose. The man says that's easy, it's Georgia pine, where I grew up he says with a huge grin...the manager says "blind luck", whispered again to the yard man, he shows up with another piece, waves it under the mans nose, he smells it, sniffs again and says ahhh good ol' Hickory right out of the hills of Tennessee...the manager becoming a little edgy tells his yard man to bring out big fat smelly Helga from the back office...the manager tells her to bend over in front of the man to see if he's really blind or is as good as he says..Helge spreads her legs, bends over right in front of the man...the blind man takes a big long wiff, pulls his head away and says hell what are you trying to pull on me? Thats a shit-house door off a tuna boat...when do I start?

 

[grumpy_1944]

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger
comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100
Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not
worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any
children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the
sperm bank a young doctor gave the man a jar and told him to go into
the bathroom and put his deposit in it.
After what seemed like a long time the young doctor began to worry
about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and
ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the
doctor opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and
sweating.
The Dr. asks, "Are you OK!"
The elderly man replied, "Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I
have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot
water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can't get the lid off this
jar to save my life!"

New Math


A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise
happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt
or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be
home before midnight. Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him
that read as follows:
Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old
pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore,
don't wait up.

 

[grumpy_1944]

Ending it all

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and
the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came
to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to
shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain
about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked
him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left
nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

 

[koifarm]

:lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3:

 

[grumpy_1944]

smart granddaughter

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."