Jokes Thread

P

partime bonridr

Scooter
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked
"Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in
particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
" She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 
B

Blackston

750cc
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks
him: 'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new.'
 
B

Blackston

750cc
A man had been nude sunbaking on a really scorching Aussie day at the beach. His penis was the size of a lobster and as red to boot!!....He went to the doctor and the quack told him to soak his ol fella in a bowl of cold milk...it would help with the burn and the swelling....His beautiful but incredibly dumb blonde girlfriend walks into the kitchen, sees him with his man chicken dangling in the bowl of milk and instantly says.....

"I've always wondered how you reload those things!"
 
B

Blackston

750cc
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor ... . . But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
 
Bear

Bear

Scooter
Here one lads:eeek:

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good ! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the Grandson...... .
.
.
.

' They won't let me fart.'
 
jamesbgood

jamesbgood

Scooter
avatar_3570.gif
 
B

Blackston

750cc
An old man goes to a brothel looking for sex...

He finds a suitable girl and they go up stairs...

"What do you want to do then old boy?" askes the Pro...

"Somethin real disgusting!" he says...

"Ok, what then?" she asks...

"Go over in the corner of the room and stand on your head facin the wall!"...

She does and half an hour passes...

"Ok, you can get down now" says the old man...

The pro walks over. Red faced and gasping for breath she says...
"I thought you wanted to do something really disgusting??"

" I did said the old man!!! , I shit in your purse!"
 
B

Blackston

750cc
A man gets a phone call from his brother.

Man, bad news...

What?...

Granpas been burnt....

How bad is he????

Well they dont fuck around at the crematorium Bro!!
 
U

UraniumC

Banned
OLDER WOMEN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself
thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle,
and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?


'What's that a drink? I asked. No it's a mother and daughter
threesome,' she said.


As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what
this daughter of hers might look like, I said, Breathlessly no, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night.'


We went back to her place. We walked in.


She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:



'Mom, you still awake?'
 
1759AG

1759AG

Scooter
And that's how the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.

I took her to a gas station.

And that's how the fight started....

*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And that's how the fight started...

************************************************************************
*
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....

***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************
******
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....
 
Ohio TT

Ohio TT

Two Stroke
Saving The Airline Industry

>
>
> Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
>
> Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
> What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
>
> The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
> atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in
> this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
>
> Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
> thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we
> could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20%
> of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
>
> Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
> women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
> industry would see record revenues.
>
> This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
> opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
>
> Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
> myself?
>
> Sincerely,
> Bill Clinton
 
N

Nodster

Banned
An army captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Algeria.
During inspection he notices a camel tied up outside mens barracks
He asks the seargent why its there
the seargent replies "well sir there are 250 men here and no women the men have urges"
A month later the captain has urges of his own.
He puts a ladder behind camel climbs up drops his trousers and has his way with the camel.
He asks seargent "Is that how the men do it?"
The seargent replies "No they usually ride it to the brothel"
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways,
*I will grant you one wish.'
*The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it
would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord,
I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can
make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge
 
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