Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Skyblue
- Start date
CommandoRdster
moped
Little Johnny...
Litttle Johnny has a brand new train set. He is all set up in the lounge room at home and is playing away quite Happily. Mum is in the kitchen doing the washing up. She is disgusted to over hear little Johnny playing Station master.
"All you fucken bastards that are gettin off....get the fuck off!!!"
"and all you Fucken bastards that are gettin on...get the fuck on!!"
Mum races out of the kitchen, grabs Little Johnny and marches him upstairs and into his room.
"Now, you will stay here untill you have thought about the way you are speaking and you will not come down and play with your trains untill you have said sorry!"
Litle johnny thinks about what has traspired and comes back down stairs after about 1/2 an hour. He goes into the kitchen and appologises to his mum.
"Ok Johnny, you may return to your trains!"
Johnny is stoked and runs back to his train set. Off he goes and when the train comes back to the station he says...
"All passengers getting off this train, please be advised that the train has arrived. Please also be careful and mind your step as you get out!"
Little Johnny's mum is very pleased....
With that he continues...
"All passengers that are getting on this train, please do so as we will be leaving shortly. Any enquiries as to why we are now 1/2 hour late, should be addressed to the fuckin fat bitch in the kitchen!!"
Litttle Johnny has a brand new train set. He is all set up in the lounge room at home and is playing away quite Happily. Mum is in the kitchen doing the washing up. She is disgusted to over hear little Johnny playing Station master."All you fucken bastards that are gettin off....get the fuck off!!!"
"and all you Fucken bastards that are gettin on...get the fuck on!!"
Mum races out of the kitchen, grabs Little Johnny and marches him upstairs and into his room.
"Now, you will stay here untill you have thought about the way you are speaking and you will not come down and play with your trains untill you have said sorry!"
Litle johnny thinks about what has traspired and comes back down stairs after about 1/2 an hour. He goes into the kitchen and appologises to his mum.
"Ok Johnny, you may return to your trains!"
Johnny is stoked and runs back to his train set. Off he goes and when the train comes back to the station he says...
"All passengers getting off this train, please be advised that the train has arrived. Please also be careful and mind your step as you get out!"
Little Johnny's mum is very pleased....
With that he continues...
"All passengers that are getting on this train, please do so as we will be leaving shortly. Any enquiries as to why we are now 1/2 hour late, should be addressed to the fuckin fat bitch in the kitchen!!"
Goin-Commando
Street Tracker
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it the fuck off,
I'm trying to take a SHIT!!'
'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it the fuck off,
I'm trying to take a SHIT!!'
T
tattooedcouple
Guest
A husband and wife are shopping in Costco's when the man picks up a crate of
Budweiser Beer and sticks them into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale today, only $10
for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on
shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20. Jar of face cream and sticks it
into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BUDWEISER BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'!!
Budweiser Beer and sticks them into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale today, only $10
for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on
shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20. Jar of face cream and sticks it
into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BUDWEISER BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'!!
Hamr Mark
TT Racer
Got this one from the g/f today:
The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'
The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
imafunkyman
750cc
A husband was feeling a little romantic one night and asked his wife if she wanted to have a little romp. She replied: "I can't, I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning." He thought for a moment and then asked: "You don't happen to have a dentist appointment, do you?"
What a Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "Well, how about that, I just ordered a glass of champagne too"
"What a coincidence" the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,...I'm celebrating".
"This is a special day for me as well", says the woman, "I am also celebrating".
"What a coincidence!", says the farmer as they clinked glasses, "What are you celebrating?"
My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist said I was pregnant!
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer,..."For years all my hens' eggs were infertile until today! Now they are all laying fertile eggs!"
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chicken eggs become fertile?"
"I used a different cock!" says the farmer.
The woman smiled and says "What a coincidence!"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "Well, how about that, I just ordered a glass of champagne too"
"What a coincidence" the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,...I'm celebrating".
"This is a special day for me as well", says the woman, "I am also celebrating".
"What a coincidence!", says the farmer as they clinked glasses, "What are you celebrating?"
My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist said I was pregnant!
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer,..."For years all my hens' eggs were infertile until today! Now they are all laying fertile eggs!"
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chicken eggs become fertile?"
"I used a different cock!" says the farmer.
The woman smiled and says "What a coincidence!"
KingBear
Hooligan
imafunkyman
750cc
Three cowboys were sitting out on the range around a campfire, exchanging stories about various mishaps and how tough they were.
The first cowboy said: "I was out gatherin' my cattle, when a 20 foot rattler jumped up and bit me in the eye. Didn't hurt or nothin'. I finished up my work and went home."
Second cowboy said: "Aw that ain't nothin'. I was out on my horse, he bucked me off and I fell onto a cactus that went up my ass. I was shittin' needles for weeks. Didn't hurt at all."
Third cowboy just stood there shaking his head while he stirred the campfire with his dick.
The first cowboy said: "I was out gatherin' my cattle, when a 20 foot rattler jumped up and bit me in the eye. Didn't hurt or nothin'. I finished up my work and went home."
Second cowboy said: "Aw that ain't nothin'. I was out on my horse, he bucked me off and I fell onto a cactus that went up my ass. I was shittin' needles for weeks. Didn't hurt at all."
Third cowboy just stood there shaking his head while he stirred the campfire with his dick.
ricky
Street Tracker
Olympics Contest
Subject: Olympics Contest
It's true !!!!!! you get 8 tickets to all the events, 4 hotel rooms, food, car & free round trip air fare for 21 days in china . good luck!!!
HERE'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!
Answer the following questions to win tickets to the Olympic games.
1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?
˅
˅
˅
I guess you're not going either!
Subject: Olympics Contest
It's true !!!!!! you get 8 tickets to all the events, 4 hotel rooms, food, car & free round trip air fare for 21 days in china . good luck!!!
HERE'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!
Answer the following questions to win tickets to the Olympic games.
1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?
˅
˅
˅
I guess you're not going either!
grumpy_1944
750cc
Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
*Get your drunk ass off the carousel. *
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
*Get your drunk ass off the carousel. *
grumpy_1944
750cc
A few smiles 4 ya
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
*****************
Why did the music teacher put the horn in her butt?
She wanted to experience anal sax.
****************
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
*****************
Why did the music teacher put the horn in her butt?
She wanted to experience anal sax.
****************
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
grumpy_1944
750cc
OK, one more
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the world motorcycle makers for the past five years, whereby the bike makers were installing black boxes in all motorcycles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of riders in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the world motorcycle makers for the past five years, whereby the bike makers were installing black boxes in all motorcycles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of riders in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
grumpy_1944
750cc
just one more, PULLEEEEEZE
CREDIT CARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER WAS
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS
CREDIT CARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER WAS
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS