Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Skyblue
- Start date
badda_bing
Two Stroke
I bought the wife a memory stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
koifarm
Hooligan
I was riding yesterday afternoon and stopped at a nice park, there, I met a young lady and we immediately felt a connection, she dropped to the ground and laid back and spread her legs, it was some of the best sex I'd had in a long time....
Those Tasers are well worth the money....
Those Tasers are well worth the money....
koifarm
Hooligan
A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"
koifarm
Hooligan
THE HARLEY DAVIDSON RIDERS VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his local Harley shop and told the mechanic that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The mechanic told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the mechanic, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the mechanic, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the mechanic, this will work.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his local Harley shop and told the mechanic that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The mechanic told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the mechanic, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the mechanic, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the mechanic, this will work.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
grumpy_1944
750cc
Demar
Two Stroke
At the Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. ’In fact, ‘he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.’
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’
‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?’ asked the couple.
‘Because I’m the guy who painted it,’ he replied.
’In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. ’In fact, ‘he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.’
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’
‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?’ asked the couple.
‘Because I’m the guy who painted it,’ he replied.
’In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
.
koifarm
Hooligan
Back to the future
Do you know what happened 160 years ago this fall... Back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except back then,
the women had real tits and men didn't hold hands.
That, my friends, is your history lesson for today…
Do you know what happened 160 years ago this fall... Back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except back then,
the women had real tits and men didn't hold hands.
That, my friends, is your history lesson for today…
koifarm
Hooligan
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …
“Well, fuckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!”
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …
“Well, fuckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!”
Dave
Street Tracker
that's funny right there!
that Bono is so full of himself... U2 was just here in St. Louis for the 360 tour and I was working down at Busch Stadium while they were setting up. the crew was like "don't come out of your shop, Bono is coming down the hall and doesn't want you to look at him"
WTF is that?
that Bono is so full of himself... U2 was just here in St. Louis for the 360 tour and I was working down at Busch Stadium while they were setting up. the crew was like "don't come out of your shop, Bono is coming down the hall and doesn't want you to look at him"
WTF is that?
sweatmachine
moped
motomaniac
Street Tracker
Hahahahaha!!!!
grumpy_1944
750cc
HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS?
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
Now THAT's Dry
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
Now THAT's Dry
LA_Geezer
Scooter
Last edited:
LA_Geezer
Scooter
After his trial and sentencing, the new convict was sent to the prison down state where he was assigned his jail cell. He met his cell mate who seemed quiet and reserved so he kept to himself.
Shortly after "Lights Out" he heard an inmate in another cell shout out, "417". Immediately there was this loud burst of laughter from nearly every inmate in the cell block. A minute or so after the laughter quieted, another inmate yells out, "23" and again the entire cell block roars with laughter, so much, in fact that the laughing didn't stop for five minutes. This went on for an hour or so. Inmates would yell out number, 115, 72, 319, 256 and on and on.
The same thing happened every night; prisoners would yell out numbers and everyone in the cell block would laugh his head off. So after a week, the new prisoner asks his cell mate, "Why is it that every time somebody yells out a number it seems like the whole prison erupts in laughter?"
"That's easy," says his cell mate, "There is only one book of jokes in the prison library, so all of the inmates have memorized the numbers for every one of the jokes in the book. Then, since everybody knows what the numbers are for each joke, the joke teller can save every body a lot of time by just shouting out the number of the joke he wants to tell."
So the new prisoner goes to the library, checks out the book of jokes and spends the next two weeks memorizing every joke and its number. Then when he is ready, he waits for a lights out and the prisoners start yelling out their numbers, 47, 196, 203, 513, and as usual after every number all of the inmates laugh long and hard.
So the new prisoner yells out, "347!" but there's dead silence, zilch, nada, nothing. He turns to his cell mate and says, "What's wrong? I thought 347 was one of the funniest jokes in the whole book. Why didn't anybody laugh?"
His cell mate answers, "Well, some folks can tell a joke, some can't."
Shortly after "Lights Out" he heard an inmate in another cell shout out, "417". Immediately there was this loud burst of laughter from nearly every inmate in the cell block. A minute or so after the laughter quieted, another inmate yells out, "23" and again the entire cell block roars with laughter, so much, in fact that the laughing didn't stop for five minutes. This went on for an hour or so. Inmates would yell out number, 115, 72, 319, 256 and on and on.
The same thing happened every night; prisoners would yell out numbers and everyone in the cell block would laugh his head off. So after a week, the new prisoner asks his cell mate, "Why is it that every time somebody yells out a number it seems like the whole prison erupts in laughter?"
"That's easy," says his cell mate, "There is only one book of jokes in the prison library, so all of the inmates have memorized the numbers for every one of the jokes in the book. Then, since everybody knows what the numbers are for each joke, the joke teller can save every body a lot of time by just shouting out the number of the joke he wants to tell."
So the new prisoner goes to the library, checks out the book of jokes and spends the next two weeks memorizing every joke and its number. Then when he is ready, he waits for a lights out and the prisoners start yelling out their numbers, 47, 196, 203, 513, and as usual after every number all of the inmates laugh long and hard.
So the new prisoner yells out, "347!" but there's dead silence, zilch, nada, nothing. He turns to his cell mate and says, "What's wrong? I thought 347 was one of the funniest jokes in the whole book. Why didn't anybody laugh?"
His cell mate answers, "Well, some folks can tell a joke, some can't."
koifarm
Hooligan
A middle aged man was dressing one morning when he farted and it made an unusual sound “HONDAAAAA!” He looks at his wife and shrugs his shoulders. As the days go by, it gets worse; every time he launches an air biscuit, it makes the same sound “HONDAAAA!” His wife is very concerned and demands he see a doctor.
Doctor “What seems to be the problem?”
“It may seem strange, but whenever I fart, it makes a strange noise”
“What kind of noise?”
Embarrassed, the man says “HONDAAA!”
The doctor says “I am going to write you a referral to a dentist friend that just moved from Japan”
Confused, the man says “A dentist? Doc, with all due respect, the sound is coming from the other end!”
“Trust me; he has had experience with this before.”
After a few days of nagging from the wife, the man decides to go to the dentist.
Dentist “What seems to be problem?”
The man explains the farting and the strange noise.
“Open mouth and let me see, Just as I suspect, you have abscess tooth!”
“An abscess! How can that be related to my problem?” the man asked.
The dentist responded “Have you know hear? Abscess makes the fart go HONDA?”
__________________
Doctor “What seems to be the problem?”
“It may seem strange, but whenever I fart, it makes a strange noise”
“What kind of noise?”
Embarrassed, the man says “HONDAAA!”
The doctor says “I am going to write you a referral to a dentist friend that just moved from Japan”
Confused, the man says “A dentist? Doc, with all due respect, the sound is coming from the other end!”
“Trust me; he has had experience with this before.”
After a few days of nagging from the wife, the man decides to go to the dentist.
Dentist “What seems to be problem?”
The man explains the farting and the strange noise.
“Open mouth and let me see, Just as I suspect, you have abscess tooth!”
“An abscess! How can that be related to my problem?” the man asked.
The dentist responded “Have you know hear? Abscess makes the fart go HONDA?”
__________________