Jokes Thread

[grumpy_1944]

This thread needs to be woke up

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[grumpy_1944]

awake yet?

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

 

[grumpy_1944]

This will put ya back to sleep

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

 

[grumpy_1944]

How to get a little head

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

 

[grumpy_1944]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

 

[grumpy_1944]

Thanksgiving

Just think, if the pilgrims had shot a cougar instead of a turkey, we'd be eating pussy on Thanksgiving.

 

[grumpy_1944]

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

 

[koifarm]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some idiot wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Alabama, sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but loose women and football players there." "Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Alabama "


"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

 

[Skeeter]

this Morning I Went To Sign Up My Dogs For Welfare. At First The Lady Said, "dogs Are Not Eligible To Draw Welfare". So I Explained To Her That My Dogs Are Mixed Race, Unemployed, Lazy, Can't Speak English And Have No Frigging Clue Who Their Daddy’s Are. They Expect Me To Feed Them, Provide Them With Housing And Medical Care, And Feel Guilty Because They Are Dogs.

So She Looked In Her Policy Book To See What It Takes To Qualify For Welfare.
My Dogs Get Their First Checks Friday.

Amaaaazing!!!!!! I Loove It

 

[koifarm]

Amaaaazing!!!!!! I Loove It

:wave:

:sidecar:

 

[koifarm]

Two Bonneville riders are in an old fashioned two holer outhouse, as one of them is pulling up his pants after finishing and a bunch of change falls out and into the hole.
The guy then pulls his wallet out and throws a five dollar bill down the hole then starts taking off his clothes.
His buddy remarks "Howcome you threw that five dollars in there?" His buddy replies "Hell man, I'm not going down there for just some pocket change!"

 

[bikeypikey]

A good looking young chick dies and goes to heaven. Whilst she's waiting at the pearly gates, she hears a lot of really, really painful screaming. Blood curdling in fact.

She says to St Peter "I thought heaven was supposed to be peaceful, what are all those screams?"

St Peter, says, oh, that's God making holes in the new arrivals so as he can fit the wings and halos to make them angels".

"Wow, that sounds too painful. I think I'd prefer to go to hell" says the girl.

"Oh I don't think so" say St Pete, "in hell you get raped, buggered and sodomised regualrly"

The girl says "Oh, that's OK, I've already got holes for that"

Cheers,

Pikey.

 

[Kirkus51]

Some old fart tees

got these from a "friend"

 

[motomaniac]

A good looking young chick dies and goes to heaven. Whilst she's waiting at the pearly gates, she hears a lot of really, really painful screaming. Blood curdling in fact.

She says to St Peter "I thought heaven was supposed to be peaceful, what are all those screams?"

St Peter, says, oh, that's God making holes in the new arrivals so as he can fit the wings and halos to make them angels".

"Wow, that sounds too painful. I think I'd prefer to go to hell" says the girl.

"Oh I don't think so" say St Pete, "in hell you get raped, buggered and sodomised regualrly"

The girl says "Oh, that's OK, I've already got holes for that"

Cheers,

Pikey.

Good one!

 

[KingBear]

What should be a serious crime report becomes, well... you figure it out!

 

[Kirkus51]

U go girl!!

 

[KingBear]

You laugh because it's funny, but it's also true...


South African low-fare airline Kulula recently came up with a brand-new, funny livery. One of their Boeing 737-86N (ZS-ZWP / OK-PIK), called “Flying 101″ is entirely covered with details and funny remarks about the plane.

The captain’s window is marked with the big cheese (”captain, my captain!”), the co-pilot’s window with co-captain (the other pilot on the PA system) and the jump seat is for wannabe pilots.
In addition, the following descriptions of plane parts can be found:

• galley (cuppa anyone?)
• avionics (fancy navigation stuff)
• windows (best view in the world)
• wing #1 and #2
• engine #1 and #2 (26 000 pounds of thrust)
• emergency exit = throne zone (more leg room baby!)
• seats (better than taxi seats)
• some windows = kulula fans (the coolest peeps in the world)
• black box (which is actually orange)
• landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags)
• back door (no bribery/corruption here)
• tail (featuring an awesome logo)
• loo (or mile-high club initiation chamber)
• rudder (the steering thingy)
• stabiliser (the other steering thingy)
• a.p.u. (extra power when you need it most)
• galley (food, food, food, food…)
• boot space
• ZS-ZWP (OK-PIK) = secret agent code (aka plane’s registration)
• overhead cabins (VIP seating for your hand luggage)
• fuel tanks (the go-go juice)
• cargo door
• aircon ducts (not that kulula needs it… they’re already cool)
• front door (our door is always open … unless we’re at 41 000 feet)
• cockpit window = sun roof
• nose cone (radar, antenna, and a really big dish inside)

 

[bikeypikey]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past FOUR hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And YOU will be her care giver, feeding her, bathing her and cleaning up her messes!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just fucking with you.

She's dead ......What'd you shoot?"

Cheers,

Pikey.

 

[mark66]

Now THAT'S a classic, Pikey. Love it.:lol::lol:

 

[koifarm]

Great one Pikey...!!!