Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Skyblue
- Start date
geolpilot
Street Tracker
koifarm
Hooligan
The power of observation.
A Veterinarian professor was addressing his class of freshmen students in their first anatomy class involving a huge dead cow on the exam table.
"The first thing you need to learn is the power of observation" he stated, then plunged a finger into the dead cows rectum, pulled it out and licked his finger.
Telling the class to do the same, all the students did such with varied expressions of distaste.
Addressing the class the Vet said "The power of observation is the most critical of skills, how many of you noticed I inserted my index finger in the cows rectum and licked off my ring finger?"
It took 45 minutes to get the class back in order!!
My guess is that they likely rode motorcycles....
A Veterinarian professor was addressing his class of freshmen students in their first anatomy class involving a huge dead cow on the exam table.
"The first thing you need to learn is the power of observation" he stated, then plunged a finger into the dead cows rectum, pulled it out and licked his finger.
Telling the class to do the same, all the students did such with varied expressions of distaste.
Addressing the class the Vet said "The power of observation is the most critical of skills, how many of you noticed I inserted my index finger in the cows rectum and licked off my ring finger?"
It took 45 minutes to get the class back in order!!
My guess is that they likely rode motorcycles....
koifarm
Hooligan
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections. "
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
possible designers of the human body One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections. "
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
sweatmachine
moped
Kirkus51
Hooligan
koifarm
Hooligan
at my bank today; there was a short line.
just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
koifarm
Hooligan
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Bitch!
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Bitch!
loxpump
Rocker
Once upon a time, an Air Force Pilot asked a beautiful Princess
"Will you marry me? The Princess said NO. ....and the
Pilot lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles, made
many cruises, got good promotions and duty stations and screwed
skinny big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced and drove hot cars and
went to titty bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey,
Beer, Tequila, Rum, did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never heard
bitching and never paid child support or alimony and chased
cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and
guns, and never got cheated on while he was at work or on cruise.
All his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and
he had tons of money in the bank and always left the toilet seat up.
The end
"Will you marry me? The Princess said NO. ....and the
Pilot lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles, made
many cruises, got good promotions and duty stations and screwed
skinny big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced and drove hot cars and
went to titty bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey,
Beer, Tequila, Rum, did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never heard
bitching and never paid child support or alimony and chased
cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and
guns, and never got cheated on while he was at work or on cruise.
All his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and
he had tons of money in the bank and always left the toilet seat up.
The end
sweatmachine
moped
^^^^yes!!!^^^^
Bonneville09er
Street Tracker
the man
Kirkus51
Hooligan
NOTE: I checked with SNOPES and this really does work.
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Just follow these simple instructions:
OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN.
LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER.
IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU’RE FUCKED..
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Just follow these simple instructions:
OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN.
LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER.
IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU’RE FUCKED..
koifarm
Hooligan
Kirkus, did you ever see that video of popping corn with two or three cell phones? You just arrange the phones around a few kernels of popcorn and call them...it pops....
Pretty scary considering we all use phones, some of the young'uns way too much and of course that would explain the driving habits of "soccer moms"....duh...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V94shlqPlSI
Pretty scary considering we all use phones, some of the young'uns way too much and of course that would explain the driving habits of "soccer moms"....duh...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V94shlqPlSI
grumpy_1944
750cc
revised 60s hit songs
Some of the artists of the ‘60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
• Herman’s Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely
Walker.
• The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
• Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.
• Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help from Depends.
• Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your
Face.
• Johnny Nash --- I Can’t See Clearly Now.
• Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
• The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom.
• Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
• Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
• Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
• The Temptations --- Papa’s got a Kidney Stone.
• Abba --- Denture Queen.
• Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On the Ceiling If You
Hear Me Fall
• Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
• Leslie Gore --- It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want
To.
• Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.
Some of the artists of the ‘60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
• Herman’s Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely
Walker.
• The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
• Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.
• Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help from Depends.
• Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your
Face.
• Johnny Nash --- I Can’t See Clearly Now.
• Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
• The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom.
• Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
• Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
• Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
• The Temptations --- Papa’s got a Kidney Stone.
• Abba --- Denture Queen.
• Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On the Ceiling If You
Hear Me Fall
• Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
• Leslie Gore --- It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want
To.
• Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.
koifarm
Hooligan
The Big Kiss!
A tough looking group of bikers were riding along on Harleys when they saw a girl
about to jump off a bridge so they pull over. The leader, a big burly man,
gets off his Sportster and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you jump down here and
give me a Kiss?"
So thinking it isn't gong to matter in a few minutes she does, it was a
long, deep lingering passionate kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl. "
A tough looking group of bikers were riding along on Harleys when they saw a girl
about to jump off a bridge so they pull over. The leader, a big burly man,
gets off his Sportster and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you jump down here and
give me a Kiss?"
So thinking it isn't gong to matter in a few minutes she does, it was a
long, deep lingering passionate kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl. "