Jokes Thread

koifarm

koifarm

Hooligan
burglar joke

Default Jesus is coming

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when
a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off,
and froze.

When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice. ..................................

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed
at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,'
replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The same kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'
 
koifarm

koifarm

Hooligan
Default The Pauper's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
jhillier71

jhillier71

Street Tracker
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood?"
 
bikeypikey

bikeypikey

750cc
Attention "jphickory" - do not, I said, do not read any further unless you want your delicate sensibilities offended once more!

For the rest - hope you enjoy ;)

The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital.

On his way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse "Am I in Heaven?"

"No" replied the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward".

Cheers,

Pikey.
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
 
loxpump

loxpump

Rocker
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,
and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open
and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed
by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,'
it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.
 
bikeypikey

bikeypikey

750cc
After meeting Susan Boyle and Michelle McManus on Friday, the Pope said that he was not surprised that his priests in Scotland were shagging young boys.

Cheers,

Pikey.
 

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grumpy_1944

grumpy_1944

750cc
Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face

and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,

"It reminded me of a peanut."



Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty. "
 
grumpy_1944

grumpy_1944

750cc
Watchin' TV

BD was watching a golf game on TV. But he kept changing channels to a sexxxy movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"Man, they are really getting in on! I don't know whether to watch them or watch the game", he says to his wife.

"For Pete's sake, his wife says. "Watch them!! You already know how to play golf!"
 
grumpy_1944

grumpy_1944

750cc
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

They will not let me back in KFC.
 
Last edited:
Speed3Chris

Speed3Chris

I like Dick
Cycle of Life...

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend
with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was
no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all
the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep
up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big
tits.
 
C

cali_rider

Scooter
Here are mine for men who need a laugh and women with a good sense of humor…

1. A wife is a sex object... every time you ask for sex, she objects.

2. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

3. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

4. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

5. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

6. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

7. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!
 
bikeypikey

bikeypikey

750cc
MUSLIM OF THE YEAR!

MuslimOTY.jpg



LOOK! NO BOMBS!


Cheers,

Pikey.
 
bikeypikey

bikeypikey

750cc
Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release...

'Can we switch the lights off?...'

'Of course honey...'

'Can I have you from behind...?'

'Anything you want my brave boy...'

'OK, can I call you Pedro...?'


Cheers,

Pikey.
 
koifarm

koifarm

Hooligan
Pikey....

bikeypikey said:
Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release...

'Can we switch the lights off?...'

'Of course honey...'

'Can I have you from behind...?'

'Anything you want my brave boy...'

'OK, can I call you Pedro...?'


Cheers,

Pikey.
Click to expand...

:lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3:
 
bikeypikey

bikeypikey

750cc
Bloke in a club sees a big fat girl at the bar. He walks up to her and asks:

"Have you got a pen?"

She looks up, smiles and says "Yes"

"Well" he says, " You better fuck off back to it then before the farmer notices you're missing!"

Cheers,

Pikey.
 
grumpy_1944

grumpy_1944

750cc
A guy married a beautiful woman who proceeded to eat a box of chocolates every other day. Soon she grew to be grossly obese and he found her less and less attractive. Like the good husband he was, though, he continued to have sex with her 3 times a week. As it became more and more difficult to perform, his wife began to complain. After one rather laborious session, she said to him: "What's the problem? I remember the days when you could get a shot off in less than five minutes." He thought for a moment, and said. "Yeah, but in those days I didn't have to spend fifteen minutes trying to find the target."
 
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