Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Skyblue
- Start date
MattRat
TT Racer
A man comes home from work and asks his wife "How was your day, darling?"
"Not so good" she replies. "I'm leaving you."
"Why?" He asks.
"Well, the neighbors say you're a pedophile." She responds.
"Pedophile, huh? That's an awfully big word for an 11 year old to be throwing around"
"Not so good" she replies. "I'm leaving you."
"Why?" He asks.
"Well, the neighbors say you're a pedophile." She responds.
"Pedophile, huh? That's an awfully big word for an 11 year old to be throwing around"
Bottle_Fed
Two Stroke
Daily Funny
Biker
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the
country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady
who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a
cheeseburger.'
Greg
Biker
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the
country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady
who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a
cheeseburger.'
Greg
Hedge
American Infidel
What do a 100 battered women have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
They Just Don't LISTEN!
Thruxtonboy
Scooter
Three guys, a Belgian, a German and a very big strong black guy, they are flying on a plane, but the plane brakes down and crashes into a very big wood. But, they are lucky and are not inguired. So they get out of the plane and start walking. After three days there is still nothing but tree's around them and they get very hungry. But there is no food, nothing to eat at all. So the belgian guy offers to cut a peace of his butt, so that they can eat a kind of steak and maybe they're able to live a bit longer and maybe find some help.
After eating the Belgians butt they move on, but still nothing.... After three days the German offers his fingers to eat, the can bake them as sausages and maybe.... So they eat the Germans fingers and move on again.... Then after again three days, still nothing... The Belgian does not want to offer a peace of his body anymore, and the German the same. So they look at the big black guy and he looks back at them. Then he loosens his pants and put it down. A huge cock is showing and the Belgian and the German began to smile, Wow, that's a very great tasty sausage for us all to eat!! No, no says the black guy, no sausage, today we eat PORRIDGE!!!
After eating the Belgians butt they move on, but still nothing.... After three days the German offers his fingers to eat, the can bake them as sausages and maybe.... So they eat the Germans fingers and move on again.... Then after again three days, still nothing... The Belgian does not want to offer a peace of his body anymore, and the German the same. So they look at the big black guy and he looks back at them. Then he loosens his pants and put it down. A huge cock is showing and the Belgian and the German began to smile, Wow, that's a very great tasty sausage for us all to eat!! No, no says the black guy, no sausage, today we eat PORRIDGE!!!
sweatmachine
moped
uuuughhh
Kirkus51
Hooligan
A little boy is riding his tricycle up and down the driveway going "Vroom Vroom I'm a biker!"
The little neighbor girl comes by and sez to the little boy "if you're a biker can I have a ride?''
The little boy thinks and tell her to hop on.
up and down the driveway the go all the time the little boy's going "Vroom Vroom!"
After a while the little girl has to pee and asks the boy to stop. She jumps off and heads to the hedge to do her business.
She sees the little boy peeking and sez "oh biker boy..do you want to see?"
The little boy looks.
She sez "Oh biker boy..do you want to touch it?"
the little boy touches it.
Se sez "Oh biker boy..do you want to kiss it?"
The little boy thinks and thinks then runs off bawling..Saying...
I'M NOT REALLY A BIKER!
The little neighbor girl comes by and sez to the little boy "if you're a biker can I have a ride?''
The little boy thinks and tell her to hop on.
up and down the driveway the go all the time the little boy's going "Vroom Vroom!"
After a while the little girl has to pee and asks the boy to stop. She jumps off and heads to the hedge to do her business.
She sees the little boy peeking and sez "oh biker boy..do you want to see?"
The little boy looks.
She sez "Oh biker boy..do you want to touch it?"
the little boy touches it.
Se sez "Oh biker boy..do you want to kiss it?"
The little boy thinks and thinks then runs off bawling..Saying...
I'M NOT REALLY A BIKER!
Rockers CT
Banned
At this speed you have no friends!
How did you get a picture of what I was doing yesterday...
imafunkyman
750cc
What do you do when your dishwasher stops?
Smack the bitch.
Smack the bitch.
Hedge
American Infidel
This one is really funny. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response - but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget St.
Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: The construction and maintenance, of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
____________________________________________________________
This is the actual response sent back:
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout
this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment Beavers’ Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staffs to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should
be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget St.
Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: The construction and maintenance, of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
____________________________________________________________
This is the actual response sent back:
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout
this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment Beavers’ Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staffs to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should
be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Bottle_Fed
Two Stroke
Now that's a dam fine response. The last beaver dam I encountered was made of cotton and I would definently need a permit to remove it
Greg
Greg
Newcastlelatte
Scooter
Beavers can be FUN!!!
Dam funny, Hedge!
(PS: I think most of us would agree that there is *NOTHING* more fun to have around than a few beavers!)
Dam funny, Hedge!
(PS: I think most of us would agree that there is *NOTHING* more fun to have around than a few beavers!)
Hedge
American Infidel
Sometimes I rush into things without thinking it completely through! Nah, got off the pain killers 2 days after the operation. I'll dig another one out of my Gag Bag for tonight . . .Hedge...
I am sooo dissappointed in you. How could you possibly missed the opportunity to lead your post with:
"This one is dam funny."
still on those pain killers?
Stoogsy
Scooter
End of working week-split your sides laughing joke
The Shit List
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours
The Shit List
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours